The feeling of guilt never goes away. What I put my family and friends through was nothing but hell. When I took those pills I thought I would be ending my life, I had no idea what the next chapter in my life would be like and how it would impact everyone around me. The guilt I experience is so over whelming, it’s something I have to live with.
I never thought I would survive, I never thought my Dad would be leaving his car in Mozambique unlocked to rush for a flight to Berlin for me. Or my mum receiving the phonemail telling her I was on life support. I never took into consideration my 3 sisters, all under the age of 12 and my sister Alice only a few years younger than me who became my guardian, the stress she went through must have been immense at such a young age. Moving away from home living in Berlin in my flat where it all happened while I lay in a coma, being by my side everyday in hospital listening to doctors telling her it was hopeless and that I would most likely die. Still to this day she hasn’t forgiven me which I totally understand.
The thing is when I took those pills I was being selfish, I didn’t care what it would do to other people and how it would reshape their lives. I couldn’t see what was going on around me at the time, no thought of repercussions just completely blinded by the darkness of my own mind. Now I have to deal with that guilt everyday and all I can do is try to fix relationships that were broken because of my actions.
